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Wednesday, February 23, 2005

"Who the **** do I think I am?"

The subject line is as instructed by the great Frank J of IMAO And the quiz below is his invention. [warning: mild language implied ("****") that may offend some tender sensibilities] In (typically) ironic answer to Ted Rall, the idiot who makes racist remarks in poorly drawn cartoons (who does he pay to do his penwork? Whoever it is, it's too much) whenever a black American steps off the socialist plantation, Frank J has devised THE "WHO THE [h]*** DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?" BLOGGER QUIZ Which I'll attempt to answer in the text below... 1. Who the hell do you think you are? That may be one of the deepest conundrums of metaphysics. "Are," of course, comes from conjugating "to be," as does that bane of Presidential Rhodes Scholars, the word, "is." If one of the brightest minds (according to the likes of Ralls) of the 20th Century cannot discern the meaning of "is" then who am (there's that pesky "to be" in conjugation, again!) I to attempt an answer? As to the hell part, well, let's not go there, shall we? 2. So, other than blogging, what's your job? Do you work at some fast food joint, dumbass? I charge people for fixing the problems they create on their own computers. And I do slightly resent you calling me by the name of one of my son's dogs... (the one that refuses to speak like a bass). 3. Do you have like any experience in journalism, idiot? Like? Nope. Not one teensy tiny bit. Ironically, that makes me more qualified than Jordan Eason or Dan Blather to voice my views. (Please, please: more Valley Girl questions! And can you mark inflection for a little uptalk, just for verisimilitude?) 4. Do you even read newspapers? Whenever I can't avoid it. 5. Do you watch any other news than FOX News propaganda, you ignorant fool? Nope. Don't watch Fox News, either. I do sometimes tune in an entertainment show to catch the latest mass media Podpeople's Army fictions, and I've been known to read time (the weekly fiction magazine) when there was absolutely nothing else available in a Drs waiting room. 6. I bet you're some moron talk radio listener too, huh? Nope. I have managed about 40 minutes total listening time to that blowhard, Rush Limbaugh, but it isn't something I wear as a badge of honor. I do try to catch Car Talk when I can, though. Does that qualify as "Talk Radio"? After all, Tom and Ray do talk. They have callers, and it's much more entertaining than the lies on CBSNBCCNNABC et al. But as to the moron assertion, the jury's still out there. 7. So, do you get a fax from the GOP each day for what to say, you @#$% Republican parrot? Nah. My fax number's unlisted. 8. Why do you and your blogger friends want to silence and fire everyone who disagrees with you, fascist? Actually, I like hearing stupid people talk, as long as I can turn down the volume and do something productive. Or even completely time-wasting. It's like white noise. I can actually play games of Zen Freecell while skimming the latest rants of idiots. (My Freecell score attained while "reading" and/or listening to idiots is now at 4,600 wins, zero losses. Idiots are good for clearing one's head. Or sinuses.) When you can listen to/read them and hear/read the actual content of their thoughts—yadayadayada—then you will have attained true peace, Grasshopper. 9. Are you completely ignorant of other countries, or do you actually own a passport? No passport. Why would I need to travel to a third world country when I live in America's Third World County? At least I know Andorra's political structure. And that could be important one day, if I can ever trick another buncha folks into playing Trivial Pursuit with me. For money. 10. Have you even been to another country, you dumb hick? Thanks for asking. Yes. Several. BTDT. ::yawn:: But thanks for noticing that I'm from America's Third World County™. 11. If you're so keen on the war, why haven't you signed up, chickenhawk? I'm an old fart who can't fake a 30-year difference with a fake birth certificate. What's your excuse? 12. Do you have any idea of the horrors of war? Have you ever reached into a pile of goo that was your best friend's face? Horrors of war? I've "taught" seventh graders (as though seventh graders could be taught!). Don't talk to me about the horrors of war! (And I've seen cold cream in the morning. .. ) 13. Have you ever reached into any pile of goo? Why, yes. Thank you for asking. I recall cleaning up my first stiff. (Well, he was stiff long before he died, in fact, and I periodically cleaned up some nasty goo then, too.) And my second... and... It was a great job to work my way through school with. people dropping like flies on my shift every week... But please don't ask meagain about procedures for removing a certain type of impacted waste product. 14. Once again, who the h*** do you think you are?! I don't know. You tell me. We'd both have a better chance of getting it right than a certain Presidential Rhodes Scholar...