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Wednesday, July 27, 2005

PGHA: How will the Left attack Judge Roberts?

I guess nothing's too ridiculous to propose, is it?

So, how will the left attack Supreme Court nominee John Roberts?

1.) Put an emetic in his water at the confirmation hearings

2.) Put a "shocker" in his chair and whenever he starts to answer a questioner, give him a "buzz". (No, I'm not going to link to a site where you can buy one. Just in case a reader happens along who's an LLM.)

3.) Go all snarky over his (and his family's) wardrobe. Now that's completely ridiculous! No One would do that!!! (Oops. Too late for this to be a prediction. Robin Givhan beat me to this one. I guess No One would do that... )

4.) A corollary to #3: every time he answers a question, remind him, "Yeh, and yo momma wears army boots."

5.) Secretly, under cover of darkness, the Loony Left Moonbat brigade and Mass Media Podpeople's Army will send their best Ninjas of Personal Destruction to poop in Robert's children's fishbowl, then send in PETA (no, not People Eating Tasty Animals, the other PETA: the one with whacko nutjobs who "rescue" animals and then kill them for fun) to claim he abuses fish and would threaten the Constitutional rights of fish across America.

6.) The ACLU will join with PETA to bring suit against Roberts because of the clear and present danger he poses to the civil rights of American fish.

7.) Douglas Adams' body will be exhumed and used as a sock puppet by Teddy Kennedy to claim that the Earth will be destroyed by aliens because Roberts threatens the civil rights of American fish (right after Teddy "Swimmer" Kennedy asserts that Mary Jo Kopeckne's death was all Roberts' fault—for making the fish angry, thus forcing Teddy "Swimmer" Kennedy to swim for his life, fleeing angry rights-threatened-by-Roberts fish... Hey, it's Teddy Kennedy, here: anything could come from his mouth.)

8.) Rabid Loony Left Moonbats will seek to suck Roberts' blood.

9.) Meanwhile, back in the Senate, the Evil Triumvirate du Jour (who knows? Maybe Pelosi, Durbin and Schumer) will fall on the floor of the Senate, kicking and screaming in a typical LLM misapprehension that this comprises an actual attack on anything.

10.) Jean Fraud sKerry will wet his pants when he realizes that he misspoke and demanded his own records be released instead of John Roberts'. Oops, Jean Fraud... sKerry will then claim that he wet himself because Roberts stole the "lucky pants" he got off Valerie Plame when he dropped her off one Christmas in Cambodia. (Yeh, I'll bet that one's "seared, seared" into his memory... )

*sigh* Forgot some earlier:

+1: Place whoopee cushions on Judiciary Committee seats. Blame Roberts.

+2: Claim Roberts created Ebola. Ditto smallpox, AIDS and acne. Dare him to prove he did not.

+3: Ask Roberts when he stoped beating his wife. (I know, a hoary chestnut, but since the Dems in the Judiciary committee are all fond of hoary chests and are nuts to boot, it only stands to reason.)

+4: Insert unimaginably idiotic action here. See? I just knew you could imagine things that are unimaginable to the ordinary person!

+5: Claim Roberts will submit his decisions to the Pope, and when he denies it, claim that's evidence of mendacity and something for which he should be impeached from his present judgeship (then, of course, keelhauled and burned at the stake).

Now, once the "moderates" have finished with the above attacks, Roberts will be turned over to the gentle ministrations of moveon.org NARAL and the "beyond the orbit of Pluto" whacko wing of the (UN)Democratic party...