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Friday, July 29, 2005

UN-run internet?

This week's PGHA asks the question, What would the internet be like if it were run by the UN?

Normally, I'd not stoop to answer a question with such obvious answers, but seeing as how it was asked by one of the Great Minds of the blogosphere (and derived from a comment by another such Great Mind), I'll go ahead and give the obvious answers, even though they are all common knowledge.

What would the internet be like if it were run by the UN?

1.) Bloggers would no longer be allowed to wear pajamas. Female bloggers would be required to wear hijabs; male bloggers would be required to wear sheets on their heads, like so many of the sheetheads at the UN like to do.

2.) All blogposts would be submitted to the UN for redaction and censorship. Bloggers would be required to submit posts six months in advance of posting date to assure enough time for UN blogocrats to have them translated into pidgin barbarian speak, read (and explained) to them before being trashed.

3.) All sites critical of the UN will be assigned high-priority 404 status, so that they will load muuuuuch faster. Owners of such sites will be turned over to UN Peacekeeping forces, raped and flayed. All such high-priority 404 status sites will return the same message: "You have attempted to access material that is deleterious to Kofi's malfeasance in office. The UN Internet Police have been dispatched to your location and will be there as soon as they have stopped to rape a few children. Resistance is futile."

4.) All site owners praising the UN and calling for world government by the UN will recieve stipends of $50,000 per anum and up, awarded Land Rover SUVs, sent on all-expense-paid trips to "disaster" sites to sip tea and go to cocktail parties with UN "observers". Additional benefits will be based on content, traffic and payment of excessive dues by the U.S. to the UN slush fund.

More? Of course there's more. But I'll leave the rest as an exercise for the students...