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Saturday, January 08, 2005

An UNreview of M. Night Shyamalan's "The Village"

Waiting on Godot? "Godot ain't here, man." M. Night Shyamalan's movies... what can I say? Here are the movies I've seen by M. Night Shyamalan: Signs (2002) Read much sci-fi? If you've read as much sci-fi/speculative fiction as I have, then this was likely as boring and predictable for you as it was for me. Not to mention the fact that it was full of really lame schticks, a severely flawed premise, etc. One of the absolutely dumbest movies I have ever seen. It even failed to be a camp "B" movie, because of its technical production values and attempt to be "serious". Just a plain, flat stupid movie. Completely wasted $$ seeing it in a theater. But I should have known better, because... Unbreakable (2000) was almost as bad. [sigh]. Fortunately, I saw (a blessedly short part of) this on TV and was able to simply CLICK to something less mind-numbingly dumb. Heck, Chris Matthews would have qualified on that score! Stuart Little (1999) OK, what can you do with a children's book based on a wildly stupid premise? This was cute ["cute"—shudder!]. OK, I'm cheating to include this one, too. I just couldn't stand to watch the whole thing, no matter what the rest of the family wanted to do. Bo-ring. The Sixth Sense (1999) Was anyone shocked to discover that the Bruce Willis character was one of the "dead people" the kid saw? You were?!?!? Rode the short bus to school, eh? I think there were a couple more I "missed" (but only because I couldn't hit them). Now, can anyone give me one reason why I should spend $3.21 (counting taxes) at the local video store to rent The Village? Or even watch it on TV? It'll have another totally lame "surprise" that fits the M. Night Shyamalan movie formula. A cretin will be able to figure the premise and the surprise out before the first 10 minutes of the film have passed, and any person of average inteligence will be bored to tears within 30 minutes. The characters will be caricatures of stick-figure cartoons drawn by mentally-deficient troglodytes. The film itself will have the typical M. Night Shyamalan bleakness and be devoid of anything enlightening or uplifting. If I want to experience something comparable, I guess I could stick my head in a dirty truckstop toilet for about 90 minutes. Or watch Chris Matthews for 15 minutes (or Dan Blather for 5). Thanks, but I'll pass.