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Wednesday, August 10, 2005

MSM Scandals... Fibber McGee's Closet

"Come out, come out wherever you are!" A new Precision Guided Humor Assignment:

What scandals about themselves are the Mainstream Media trying to keep quiet?

*It wasn't Dorothy's house that killed her. Hillary Clintoon clawed her way out of Helen Thomas' chest, and that's how the Wicked Witch of the East really died. What we see (when our eyes can take the pain) when we look at Helen Thomas is not the original Helen Thomas (as horrible as that might be to contemplate) but just another Mass Media Podperson. (It also explains the stench.)

*Dan Blather was the "annonymous source" of the Killian memos. It has since been replaced by yet another podperson of the Blather model while the "Burkett-Dan Blather" has been recalled to the mothership for R&R. (That's Reaming and Raking.)

*Evil Glenn's puppy blending began with his initiation by the Walter Cronk-ite podperson into the inner circle of Zirkonian Satanism. (The cannibalistic attacks on "homeless persons" is simply the result of Evil Glenn's attempts to balance his diet.)

*The George Stephanopolous model isn't gay. (It's not even remotely happy, despite its attempt to appear so from time to time.) It's queer, just not that queer. ("Oh, the shame! It's not homosexual!")

*The Larry O'Donnell podperson's head has actually exploded 23,286 times, gaining it the record for most often replaced podperson.

*Speaking of which, the Rosie O'Donnell isn't actually a podperson. Along with the Oprah, she's just a blowup doll gone very, very bad... (of course, air leaks explain both the apparent occasional weight loss and the shrill hissing noises these airbags seem to emit.)

*(I'd originally planned on more of this sort of thing, but time has been eaten by locusts. Speaking of which, anyone have the remotest idea how to TS the Alps touchpad on a Sony Vaio notebook? Windows can no longer even find the thing, although third party diagnostics "see" it just fine... One of many "locusts" eating my time. Rediscovered why I dislike the Sony support site... Done, now. But no thanks to Sony—or any of my usually dependable techie resources. Lovely Daughter has her "Violeta" back, now, working properly.)